Todds questions
by soaring embers
Summary: Todd doesn't know how to cope with Neil's death so he comes to the Perry home one morning, to find out what happened that night.


I only recently watched Dead Poets Society for the first time and it deeply moved me. It stuck. Todd's face in the final shot somewhat haunted me, I couldn't let him go like that. There was something missing and to my astonishment, I had an idea on how to add it. I have never written fanfiction before, hadn't plan to, but this scene didn't let me go, so finally I wrote it.

I tried my best, but I am not a native english speaker. So please tell me if you find any formal errors or wrong commas or a word that doesn't seem to be quite the right one.

Other than that; enjoy or whatever else you wish for as an equivalent of that with this topic...

* * *

Some time had passed since the fateful night. Since the funeral. Since Mr. Keating had left. The snow had covered up the traces of Todd‛s endless wandering at night, but Neil‛s death was still fresh on his mind.

He had to know. He could hardly stand being so close to the house where Neil had decided to end his own life, but he couldn‛t bear not knowing. He had to ask what had happened that night. It was freezing outside, yet he remained motionless on the other side of the road for the longest time. There was no one else around until Mr. Perry opened the door. The cold crept under Todd‛s jacket at the sight. _His father._ Silently he watched as the man got into his car, not willing to acknowledge the grief edged into his features. Then he was off. To work, Todd presumed.

He realized now he could have never faced him. Not when Neil, so much stronger than him, couldn‛t do it. He glanced back at the house. Mrs. Perry was home. She had bid her husband good day and then gone back inside.

Slowly, Todd took each step up to the front door. It was eerily still behind, as if only ghosts could dwell in such a gloomy house. When Todd finally rang the doorbell and Mrs. Perry opened she looked the part, with the pale skin, dull, unkempt hair and a gaze that seemed to go right through him, making Todd shiver.

"Yes?" she asked, her voice hoarse.

"I‛m... I‛m sorry for intruding. It‛s just... I... I wanted to... Neil, he..." She flinched at the name. "I was his roommate."

Hesitantly, she let him in and he followed her into the living room. They sat down, facing each other. He opened his mouth but found himself unable to speak under her patient gaze. After a while, she said: "I thought everything would be alright."

Finally she looked away from him, out of the window, and he was able to quietly ask: "What... what happened that night, when... when they came back from the play?"

"He... we tried to talk to him. Tom told him we had decided to withdraw him from Wellton and send him to military school. It was for his best. He would be set on the right path again. Become a doctor. But Neil didn‛t take it well. He burst out, ready to defy his father once more." She shook her head. "Thankfully, he didn‛t. He sat back down, slunk down really. He looked so... so... lost..." She looked down for a moment. "He was always such a bright student. He would have been a brilliant doctor."

Todd nodded. "Yes." He would have been. He would also have been miserable, but Todd couldn‛t say that out loud.

"I wanted to comfort him, tell him everything would be fine. I wanted to hug him, but he hadn‛t let me do that since he first started Wellton. So I told him to get some rest. I was so certain everything would be alright, that he would see clearer the next day... I had no idea how far his obsession had grown. How Mr. Keating‛s teachings had poisoned his mind..."

 _No_ , Todd wanted to scream with every fiber of his being. _No, it wasn‛t Mr. Keating. It was Neil‛s own idea, that‛s how much he loved acting. Mr. Keating is innocent._ But this was a grieving mother. _Mr. Keating is gone. What‛s done is done._ He glanced down for a moment to keep his inner turmoil hidden.

Mrs Perry continued: "I would have never thought we would... that he would..." She clapped her hand over her mouth and closed her eyes, taking a few moments before she continued. Her voice was broken now; "We found him in the study..."

When she looked at him again and saw the tears glistening in his eyes, she smiled softly, though her eyes remained dull. "I am sorry I couldn‛t be of more help. I pray you keep Neil‛s memory close to your heart. Please, remember him."

"I will", Todd promised, though his throat closed up and he couldn‛t have been sure she heard him if it wasn‛t for her soft nod.

They sat in silence for a short while, quietly sharing their grief. The bells rang for the full hour and Todd realized he needed to return to school. When he left the house, it felt like some of the dreariness of the place lifted off his mind, yet nothing seemed changed.

Before he could walk towards Wellton, he looked up and saw a wreath on one of the window sills. The one Neil wore in the play. He took it home, left it in his room. Todd couldn‛t avert his eyes. _I was right. Your father killed you, even though it was you who pulled the trigger._ Todd felt the winter creep into his jacket once more. _Why did you do it? You where about to talk to him. Why didn‛t you? Wouldn‛t that have been a better option than to take your own life?_

There was no answer. Todd could only stand there, consciously breathing to prevent the grief from knocking him off his feet. Tears welled up and he closed his eyes. "I miss you, Neil", he whispered.


End file.
